i'm angery

it is not fair, to be treated badly and to allow it. what i have done in the past, i would drink, chase women, over do coffee and other drugs. know i don't do any of these things. but when i feel this miss treated, how i crave for all those things to make me feel better. But i am trying my best not to cave into my temptations. this is hard, i am strong , but how strong am i and why keep testing my strength. i can't hold back the damn when you just keep adding water to the other side.

when will things change.

i change i try to do the things that are right. but it seems to never be enough. i am constanly judged. so if the old me was the bad me and the new me isn't really me . what the fuck am i do do. i don't want to be judged, not all my actions have to be evaluated and judged and commented on weather they are strange or not. maybe i don't belong here. how is it i feel everyone else is getting there needs meet but me i don't want to be last. i'm impotant too. i have dreams and wishes. why should all mine go on hold so everyone else can reach theres, why should i take on the burden of raising and supporting kids that arn't mine when there own father doesn't why don't i say somthing why should he look better in there eyes than me. when i'm being reposable. whats it for. why shouldn't i do things that please me? how come it me that there are things wrong with and god for bid there be wrong with others. i'm on the edge and it is not feeling good. it hurts i hurt. i want to cry. why can't you see that your constant judging hurts. if i'm not the man you want let me go don't beat me down till i snap. is that what you want. well your getting to that point. i will crack i will crumble but it is by your hands by your words by your looks. i can do what i want i am my own person. if you didn't love that person than you should have decided that a long time ago. i'm lost my hand shake . and doc you think i'm not going to snapp but your wrong. i am snapping and i can feel it. so either i was weaker than you thought or my demons are stronger. either way this is not working. i feeel i don't want to go to therapy anymore it isn't helping. it is making me worse. i want to rip out of my skin i want to let out the beast. when does it end. i want to give up. i can't do this . i'm being smothered and judged lets get a microscope and pick someones flaws lets find them when there low and judge them make them feel worse. so you take away my crutches and i fall i'm crawing and you find it nesacery to step on me it's not feeling good. i'm angry. i don't want to spend my adult life being judged. i dont want to do this anymore. i want the pain to stop i want the anger to stop, the hate , the pain, it is in my whole body and mind. it is killing me. i'm snaping. i want out of my mind out of my body. alone . because alone is better than judged.

The begining of a new me

Today i am both caffinee and alcohol free. for the first time in 15 years. my goal is to rediscover myself and push the limits of my body. I have been a vegatarian for 17 years and now i'm going to try to break the time trial record for my age group in the next year. at the moment i just weighed myself and i'm 190 lbs. and 5' 9" tall. my goal is to drop approxamitly 40 lbs. by next april. so i have to lose 5.68 lbs a month. no problem right. we shall see. i ran for an hour and a half today and i'm getting back into it. so lets see how it goes